Since every week or two an important piece of Creative Loafing-related e-mail goes into my spam filter, I make a point of checking it at least every other day. I almost never open any of it, but sometimes the subject lines are admittedly intriguing. Here is a recent sample.
1. “For your wife’s birthday you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless erec…”
Well? My hopeless what? My hopeless erector set? Don’t leave me hanging!
2. “Become unbelievable lover today!”
Notice that it doesn’t say “good” or “spectacular” or “inexhaustible.” As adjectives go, “unbelievable” has just too much wiggle room.
3. “Doo wannt pernickety hussy?”
I feel confident in saying that I do not want a pernickety hussy. Which, incidentally, sounds like a prostitute that Lemony Snicket would patronize.
4. “bonny doingg second-best suckking.”
Only second-best? Come on, bonny, you can do better than that. You’ve got to believe!
5. “Knock-down price for best medicaments!”
Awesome! I’m sick of spending top dollar on my medicaments.
6. “two days of great sex for under $5″
First, is that $5 all-inclusive? How about lodging and meals? Or is this some kind of service that comes to my home? And in that case, do I have to provide lodging and meals? Second and more importantly, great sex for whom? Because I don’t want to spend my hard-earned $5 on someone else’s two days of great sex.
7. "Fact: Osloboslopenisdickdik is the best name for a city."
It's funny because it's true: Osloboslopenisdickdik really IS the best name for a city